Maple's Epic Shitshow HotMess Birthday Jamboree
by Annie Butts
Summary: This is a labor of love and worship by Kenny and Annie for our Queen, Maplestyle. It's her 450th birthday on Monday so here is our present to her.


BPOV

Mmmm, I think I will go by the Dairy Queen before heading home. I need an Oreo blizzard. Edward and I haven't had sex in 2 days and my slut button is throbbing. Blizzards always bring out the slut button.

I pack up FeeFee, my baby, my princess, my puppy. She fits snug in her car seat just like Edward fits snug in my I moist, wet love channel.

Emmett, my ex is working the drive thru window. He's evil. He would only let me have a blizzard once a month, but gave out blizzards to octogenarians for free, all the time. That's when I ended it. He came home smelling like Ben Gay and Vicks Vapo Rub to many times.

Seeing him when all I want is that yummy creamy heaven going down my throat really bums me out. When he notices me he says I can't have the one thing I want the most. He says that I don't deserve the sweet nectar of oreo.

I call for the manager cause this is just not fair. While I am telling Carlisle, the day shift manager, my one true wish being shattered by his meany, mean employee, I hear a yelp and look over. My precious petal, FeeFee is gone. That bastard reached into my car and swiped the carseat!

I yelled for Carlisle to catch him. To run after him. Emmett just ran too fast. He was out of sight in minutes. I was distraught. My eyes became moist with tears for my darling baby. He would never love her as I do. Why! Oh Why! Would he do this to me. I wonder if Carlisle will give me a free Blizzard for my emotional distress.

After getting my free, large Oreo blizzard and coupons for 3 more. I head home, distraught. So I did what any girl would do, I start eating my blizzard. I moan as it's chunky cookie goodness goes sliding down my throat. Almost as good as Edward's love rocket juice. Dairy Queen should make blizzards from that.

I call Edward after I finish the ecstasy that is Oreo. I tell him that the evil one, the man who once took away the creaminess that makes me so happy, stole our baby. Edward replies, "My love, my doe I will get our precious love bucket of sweetness back from the detested one".

 **Meanwhile, at the cardboard box under the Houlihan Bridge, where Emmett lives, he is pacing. And muttering and shoving Burger King fries down his throat. He asks no one(cause he is alone under a bridge) How do you change a baby's diaper? I didn't even know that babies came with four legs. I bet if I sold pics to the National Enquirer, I would get enough money to buy Rosie that CZ ring she wants.**

Edward is a great detective. He tracks down Emmett by his trail of sesame seeds. It takes hours to dissect each and every seed, but he is thorough. He will stop at nothing to save our love beast. After three hours of following the trail we need a break. It's been too long since I've had his yogurt shooter in me. I can't last another minute without his sweet sweet love. Once he shoots his load down my mouth hole (it's almost as good as a blizzard. I really should learn how to turn it into a frosty treat), we continue on the trail.

It takes 3 days to track Emmett down the one street in Sporks to underneath the only bridge in a 10 mile radius. But we did it. We found our fluffy cuddle dumpling of love.

Emmett was of course arrested on charges of kidnapping. He was sentenced to 30 years in a maximum security prison. On a daily basis, the other inmates take turns shoving gross stuff up his butt and making him hold it in.

 **3 years later**

After 3 years of intense therapy, FeeFee is finally starting to feel safe again. The traumatic incident is something she tries every day to get over.

Edward became Chief of Police after his amazing work at apprehending Emmett. It was not at all because he was the only member of the police force here in Sporks.

I finally realized that I am an amazing inventor. I finally created the perfect machine. A device that will turn Edward's love juice into the perfect creamy blizzard that I have always desired.


End file.
